Saturday, July 13, 2013

The Twilight Facebook Series

Here are my thoughts on Twilight, recorded as I was reading it on Facebook and now gathered in one place. 

Enjoy!
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The wife is making me read "Twilight." My original plan had been to shut the curtains, turn off the lights, and hide under a blanket so that no one would see me reading it... But then I thought, "hey, why should I be the only one suffering?" So I will be sharing with the world my thoughts on the book as I read it.
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So "Twilight" opens with a Bible verse? Is this "Christian fiction" of some sort? No wonder there's so much vitriol spewed forth against it...
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"The hunter smiled in a friendly way as he sauntered forward to kill me." Twilight, page 1.

I suspect that either Stephenie Meyer doesn't know what a hunter is, or she has never actually seen anyone "saunter."
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I'm am now 50 pages into "Twilight" and still nobody has died. These might very well be the laziest vampires in all of fiction...
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"Twilight", ~75 pages in.

Clearly, in the world of "Twilight" (or maybe all of Washington state?), women are insane. This chick has three guys clearly interested in her, and yet she still describes herself as depressed, the loner, the odd man out, etc; and spends all of her time obsessing over the guy who has said like five words to her.

Of course, not being a woman myself, I suppose this could be a completely accurate and unbiased account of the female mind.

Also: the body count remains depressingly at zero.
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"Twilight" ~pg 130. Still no one has been killed- are these vampires anorexic? Is this book some form of teenage morality play?

Also, so far Edward has been described as "beautiful" and "perfect" 15 times (no, I didn't keep track- Amazon told me; it was just often enough that I noticed a pattern). Given that at this point she has had like two conversations with the guy, she is either some kind of insane stalker or shallowest protagonist ever.
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A summary of the dialogue between the two main characters in the first 200 pages of "Twilight":

Edward: "I'm dangerous."
Bella: "I don't care."

Keep in mind, the sum total of Edward's "dangerous" activities to this point have been 1) staring from across the room; 2) being slightly bipolar. Which might be "dangerous," but seems more "creepy" to me. Which further makes me wonder how sad and boring life in the Pacific Northwest must be if that is what passes for a "dangerous" bad boy that all the girls fall for...

Also: the vampires have yet to eat anyone. [Sigh]
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My new operating theory is that "Twilight" is actually a crypto-feminist bit of cultural criticism, where the role of "man" is played by Bella and the role of "woman" is played by Edward.

The evidence? Bella takes the stereotypically male position of deciding that she is in love with Edward based solely on his physical characteristics (seriously at the point when she says "I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him" -pg 195- the number of things she knows about him that do not involve physical appearance can be counted on one hand), while Edward spends hours asking her personal questions like "what's your favorite color," "what's your favorite gemstone", or "what kind of flowers do you like". In other words, Bella is shallow and focused on physical appearance, while Edward just wants to talk.
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"Twilight," ~pg 275.
So far in the book:

Number of people eaten by vampires: 0.
Number of times I've thought "If I overheard this conversation in public I'd have to resist the urge to punch them, or projectile vomit, or both at the same time": ~1/every 10 pages.
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On page 332 of "Twilight", we have our first report of a vampire attack. That is, we have a second-hand report of a vampire attack... An attack which occurred three and a half centuries earlier in Europe and resulted in the creation of a vampire who lives by eating deer.

I'm beginning to suspect that this book is supposed to be ironic. Stephenie Meyer is taking everything awesome about vampires and writing the exact opposite. Her fans think that this is cutting edge vampire fiction, while she laughs all the way to the bank.

Those of us who are older (and, I can only assume, awesomer) know that real vampires are described best here.
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On page 375 of "Twilight", 3 more vampires show up- vampires who DO eat people. And what do these new vampires want to do?
Play baseball.

By Stephenie Meyer's logic, The Sandlot is one of the greatest vampire movies ever made.
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Finally finished "Twlight." After 460 pages of the two main characters staring longingly into each others' eyes, there is a burst of vampire fighting action. The riveting scene is told as a flashback as what's-her-name is in the hospital:

Bella: What happened to James? [The evil vampire]
Edward: After I pulled him off you, Emmett and Jasper took care of him. (461)

"took care of him"- is there a finer explosion of activity in all of literature?

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