Sunday, January 20, 2013

Letter to the (Would have been) Boss

Dear Former Potential Employer;

I received your note informing me that I am no longer under consideration for the open position which I applied for last month. In some respects, I feel responsible for this regrettable circumstance. You see, while I was quite clear in my application materials about the benefits of bringing me on full time with your organization, I am afraid that I did not adequately articulate the consequences of not doing so.

You see, in addition to my stunning array of competencies within the profession, I also have a very particular set of skills... skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you hire me now, that'll be the end of it. We can forget the past and build a new relationship based on mutual understanding.

But if you don't I will launch such a campaign against you that the Vandals and Visigoths who torched Rome would object to my methods. I will turn your skies to bronze and your fields to iron. You will wake up in the middle of the night screaming "oh god, he's here!" People in future generations will shudder as they whisper with horror about the desolation I will bring down upon you. Your children will change their names in attempts to escape the overflow of my wrath. I will destroy you on the deepest imaginable metaphysical levels. Nietzsche will weep when he hears of what you have suffered.

Fortunately, it has not yet come to this. You still have time to fling yourself upon my mercy. Repent now and all will be forgiven, and we can go forward together into the bright future of gainful employment.

Your hopefully future employee,

Coyle Neal, Ph.D.
Washington, DC

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